Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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