Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
