I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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