you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize