This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
