If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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