I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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