It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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