Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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