Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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