Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
