Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize