It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
