Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
