Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
