im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
