I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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