bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
