dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
a search helicopter?!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize