I wish my penis had an off switch
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
