mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
