I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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