Farmville is her only friend.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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