You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
