Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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