Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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