i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize