Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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