Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
