I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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