That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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