i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
