Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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