We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize