someone owes me an orgasm
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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