Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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