Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
