A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
