Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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