life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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