new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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