I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
how does that bad decision feel?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
