Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize