Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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