Swine flu. Run for my life!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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