I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
