I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize