haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The Olympian is in my bed
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
