I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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