Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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