If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
