so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
