he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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