A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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