she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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