I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
