I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
