Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
