happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
