i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
