Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
