Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
