Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
