I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
