My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
