Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
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