You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
