literally had 100 drinks last night.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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