remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
