I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
