just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
