I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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