I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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