She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
